Not much rhymes with colonoscopy....

Pin It I really tried, too.

Wanted to give you some amusing little ditty to help you feel some pity....
(Hey, THAT rhymes...).

Nothin' doin'.

So, then, I thought about bright and cheerful images, to encourage all my readers to take care of BUSINESS, if you know what I mean.

Here's the best I could do...






This story begins about a year and a half ago, on my 50th birthday. (I apologize to all you young things who simply CAN'T relate. And I have but one piece of advice for you: just wait. It's coming for you, too, Babe, and it's sooner than you think.) So, anyway, it was a big day for me: I needed to get my driver's license renewed, and I needed to get my photo made. So I dressed in a GOOD color for me, got my hair done, and waltzed into the DMV, Express Lane. The girl who was taking my picture said, "Oh, that's a nice photo!" and I said, "Yeah, and it's my 50th birthday, too!" And of course, the poor woman had no choice but to oooh and aaah over how young I looked. So I walked out of there with a spring in my step, and off I went to my doctor's office.

I pulled the same thing on several other people, who all also, agreeably, complied with my request for vain assurances that I really didn't look "that" old. And then, enter my blue eyed doctor, whom I adore. "Really????" he beamed. "Your birthday? Well, I have a little present for you!" I dimpled in what I hoped was a fetching manner. "You DO????" By this time, the hook was firmly set in my jaw. "What is it???!!!!" I asked my wonderful, generous doctor-friend. "It's called a 'colonoscopy'" he smirked. Honestly, the nerve of some men. He USED to be my favorite doctor.

We had no money. We have a high deductible. I had no time. I didn't WANNA. So, like many of you have done, I put it off.

Flash forward a year and a half.

Last month, I got the word from one of my siblings, who shall go unnamed, that a cancerous polyp had been found in (and was then successfully removed from) his/her colon.

And, this sibling gently and lovingly warned me, that if I knew what was good for me....

Well, cancer in a family member certainly perks up your attention level. And, this year, I HAVE met my deductible. And so, I got busy and scheduled the darn thing.

Here are my words of wisdom in regard to this procedure:

First and foremost:

1. For cryin' out loud, just do it. It really ain't that big a thing. And I'm a great big weenie in regard to fear. But honestly, if I can do it, so can you.

2. It's just like you've heard: the prep is the worst part. But in regard to that, they've made some significant advances, which leads to #3.

3. Ask for Miralax for your prep. Mix it with SmartWater (electrolytes, dontchaknow) or Gatorade. Drinking an entire gallon, 8 0z. every 10 minutes, really was the worst part. But it's doable. I understand that the "old" stuff: GoLytely, it's called - now, THERE'S a misnomer if ever there was one - is terrible, terrible stuff.

4. This is my most significant piece of advice of all, so listen up.
IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER/ROOMMATE/DRIVER NOT GET A STOMACH BUG AND COMPETE WITH YOU FOR BATHROOM PRIVILEGES THE NIGHT OF YOUR PREP, ESPECIALLY AT 3:00AM WHEN YOUR BOWELS HAVE TURNED INTO WATER.

I cannot emphasize this last point strongly enough.
Because, first off, by scheduling the colonoscopy, well, aren't you being the Brave Little Soldier in the first place? Don't you deserve LOTS and LOTS of sympathy and pampering and hand-holding (as long as you've washed them after every bathroom visit)? And if your dear spouse is lying in the bed next to you moaning and groaning and clutching his own guts, well, it kinda steals your thunder a little bit. Although, after that night, we each had plenty of surplus thunder that needed to BE stolen, if you know what I mean.

When my dh attempted to steal the toilet away from me at 3:00 AM, as we were both making a mad dash for the facility, I'm telling you, that was just about the final straw for me. THANK GOD we have more than one toilet in this house, or somebody would have been calling Stanley Steamer the next morning before we left for the clinic. (Stanley Steamer: hey, that could be another joke...better not go there....) After that, I decided to sleep downstairs on the living room couch. Pilgrim, my German Shepherd followed me down the steps, and lay on the rug in the living room, her tall, pointy ears coming up every time they detected another whale song coming from my rumbly tumbly. Deep, crying out to deep. Wow, it was loud.

Anyway, I made it through. Versed is my friend. I never felt a thing, I had a lovely nap, and I woke up in the recovery room with my dear husband sitting next to me reading a magazine. He and the kids were hoping for some GREAT stories in regard to loopy ways I might be acting following the procedure, but I am afraid I let them down in this regard. Oh, well. (Kudos to whoever dosed me up with the meds: just enough, but not too much!)

Oh, by the way: did I mention? I'm all clean!!! Praise the Lord and pass the cheese!

Excellent Emmy Adventure, Part Deux: The Ceremony

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I guess I better get on this and spill the details before I forget any more of it than I already have.

I believe I left off at the point where the Big Bison and I went back to the hotel to relax a bit and get ready for our BIG NIGHT. The unending coverage of the funeral and burial services of Senator Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts were on, and by this point in the day, the funeral entourage having been socked in by the rain and fog at Boston's Logan Airport and delayed for several hours, the poor commentators, waiting eternally for the casket to arrive at the capitol steps, were becoming somewhat desperate for something new, fresh, and important to say. They were resorting to telling tales of how they used to take their dates to the Lincoln Memorial by night in order to see the fabulous views of Arlington in one direction, and the reflecting pool, the Washington Monument, the mall, and the Capitol in the other direction, and how romantic this was (and yet free to any taxpayer!). Honestly, I started to feel kind of sorry for them...just how long can any musician vamp an intro, after all, when waiting for the singer to FINALLY remember the words and join in and sing the song? Tough gig.

Anyway, we finally got ready to go, and thanks to our friend Cheri, who gave us the inside scoop on getting the concierge to help us out at the hotel, we went down to the lobby to catch a ride in the hotel's Lincoln Town Car. Who knew they would have such a thing available? The answer, of course, is Cheri. So, we snapped a few pictures in the lobby,



and then let our driver take us over to the Westin Bonaventure, where the ceremonies were being held.

The Big Bison did this piece of music for a music house in Nashville called 615 Music, and Randy, who is the head of 615, met us in the lobby as we checked in to pick up our tickets. They had the backdrop set up, where the notable hosts were having their pictures made, and the press was gathered making the flash bulbs flash at a woman I had never seen before, but who had some big honkin' eyelashes on, with some very tight clothes. I still don't know who she was, but the press seemed impressed, and they snapped away. The Big Bison, Randy and I then got the idea that this backdrop would afford us the perfect opportunity to snap a few pictures, so snap away we did. Here's Randy and the BB.



And the Big Bison and me:





Shortly thereafter, the doors to the ballroom were opened, and we went in and took our seats.

Alex Trebek served as master of ceremonies,



and he laid down the rules for how long speeches could be, and everyone abided nicely by those rules, so much so that the ceremony actually ended early. "Only" two hours instead of the three hours they had endured in years gone by. There were several other guest hosts: a soap opera actress from The Bold and The Beautiful, named Susan Flannery; cute little Nancy Cartwright, who plays the voice of Bart Simpson was witty and amusing. She was so short (and wearing a dress with spaghetti straps) that her shoulders barely came over the top of the podium. She told us that when she had been in for the sound check, earlier, she realized that if she slid her straps down off her shoulders (which she proceeded to do) she looked for all the world like she was standing up there without any clothes on. Now, THAT was amusing!

But my two favorite presenters I got to meet and talk to, so I'll just go ahead and spill the beans: I met Elmo, or rather the man who OPERATES and speaks for Elmo, Kevin Clash, on Sesame Street. He was terribly funny, and amazingly quick witted in the ceremony, and so I told him how much I had enjoyed his performance, and then, the Big Bison asked if we might take his picture, which he obligingly offered to do.

Elmo and Sooze. Seriously!

Is he not just the cutest thing you've ever seen? Look at the twinkle in that man's eye! You could tell this guy was enjoying himself immensely.

My other favorite presenter is because I am a PBS food show junkie, and it was the very adorable Ming Tsai, host of the PBS cooking show, "Simply Ming" . And, since he was standing right behind the table where I was sitting, chatting with "Elmo", I waited for their conversation to end, and then, well, you know the rest... Please ignore as much as possible the crazed look in my eyes, (as in, "Check this out: I'm with Ming. Huh? Huh?")



and look at that boyish grin on Ming's face. He was delightful, and notice how I cracked him up by something I said. He was also a complete charmer.

Ming and Sooze: Am I so happy it's scary? Don't answer that.

I had the BB take this next picture at the After Emmy's party, because in a very strange way, it reminded me of a National Geographic photo. Let me explain. You know those photos that they take of tribal peoples where the chief is sitting there with his feathers, or his spear, or whatever other trophies of war he totes around to show his prowess as a warrior? Well, this guy, with his Chardonnay in one hand and his Emmy tucked oh-so-casually under his arm just seemed like a Southern California tribal chief photo if ever I've seen one...



If you don't follow my logic, though, I understand. My brain is just a little left of center...

So, there you have it. We lost, but we had a grand time. (The winner in our category - Best Original Song/Main Title & Promo - was the opening song to a show called 6Teen on Cartoon Network.) We rode back to our hotel in style when our driver arrived, and the Big Bison snapped a few more photos of me in the downstairs of the Biltmore. So here are a few of those, just for fun.













That, again, is our story, and we are totally sticking to it, no matter what else you might hear or read...wink, wink, nudge, nudge...

Thanks for coming along for the ride. It was a blast!